Swalwell Discovers Revolutionary Way to "Max Out Democracy": Just Vote From Your Toilet

In a move that stunned exactly no one who has followed his career, Representative Eric Swalwell (D-CA) took to the soapbox yesterday to unveil his bold new vision for American elections: voting by phone. "Why stop at one day of voting when we can have 365 days of democracy?" Swalwell reportedly asked, eyes gleaming with the fervor of a man who once dated a Chinese spy and still got to keep his Intelligence Committee seat. "Let’s max this bad boy out."

The Proposal: Because Waiting in Line is Literally Fascism

Under the Swalwell Plan™, every American would be able to cast ballots directly from their smartphones, preferably while doom-scrolling TikTok or arguing with strangers about pineapple on pizza. No ID, no polling place, no chain of custody—just vibes. "If you can order DoorDash while drunk at 2 a.m.," Swalwell explained, "you can certainly decide who controls the nuclear codes."

Security? We Don’t Do That Here

When pressed on how the system would prevent hacking, fraud, or your cousin in Shenzhen voting 47 times for his favorite congressman, Swalwell waved off concerns with the confidence of someone whose own phone once contained more red flags than a Soviet May Day. "Look, if Russia wanted to interfere they’d just endorse Trump again. We’re fine."

Extra Features for the Modern Voter

The app will reportedly include exciting new options such as "Vote and Ghost" (cast your ballot then immediately block anyone who disagrees), "Democracy Plus" (pay $9.99/month for unlimited ballot changes), and "Fang Fang Mode" (lets foreign nationals feel included too).

Critics Call It a Terrible Idea, Swalwell Calls Them Election Deniers

Security experts warn the plan would make the 2020 "Fortify the Election" Zoom calls look like a kindergarten fire drill. Election integrity advocates called it "the worst idea since Eric Swalwell’s Tinder phase." The congressman responded by accusing all critics of wanting to "suppress the vote of people who can’t find their driver’s license but really need to own the cons right this second."

A Bright Future of Non-Stop Voting

If passed, Americans can look forward to voting on everything from presidential races to whether Eric Swalwell should remain within 500 feet of an intelligence briefing. "This is what the Founders died for," Swalwell concluded, pausing dramatically to let the sentence sink in before remembering the Founders literally died to get away from unchecked centralized power. "Anyway, download the app. It’s free*."

*Free with $800 million in Zuckerberg bucks and your personal data forever.